Grief is a funny thing..

6th November 2013

I haven't posted in a while as I guess I was trying to just get on with things and not let too many thoughts into my head.

Where are we today and what has happened since our last post?

Things got busy after we left the hospital, we had seen the celebrant and arranged for the funeral director to come and collect the girls on Thursday morning which is when we left the hospital. Finally saw the grief councillor who gave us some info and how to contact them, not sure why we waited to see her as we didn't really gain anything from that appointment. 

We left the hospital which I liken to being in a coma for a long time, you step outside and it feels so foreign and like you have been absent in the world. I had started crocheting a tiny pink blanket while we were in so I can start giving back to the families in need which was the beginning of my non profit organisation which I will blog about soon.

The weather was sunny and bright and as we loaded up all the beautiful flowers and bags I felt slightly nervous about how I would handle being away from the familiarity of the hospital....as it turns out we coped just fine.

Over the next few days we planned our girls send off which was held on the Monday and tried to keep busy and get enough sleep (fail). 

We went to our gp who is amazing and so supportive and Aidan got some sleeping tablets. 

Mum had arrived on the Wednesday night and was a great help as were my in laws with the housework and Harry and organising things. 

Thank god she came as I think we both really needed the mutual support.

The time came for the funeral and it was the most beautiful day! Sunny, warm and just lovely.

It was such an emotional day but was over quickly. We held it at the botanical gardens in the conservatory where they grow the orchids it's like a giant glasshouse! We had a balloon release for the girls, Aidan and I let go two pink balloons and the guests a rainbow of balloons after them. We played the iz version of somewhere over the rainbow (google it, amazing) and the two pink ones stayed together the whole way up until they all disappeared into a cloud. We had cold drinks and scones after.

These last two weeks have flown by and we have had up days and down days, mostly up and it seems weird to be able to talk about them so easily and not be a slobbering mess but maybe they have sent us strength? When I feel like I haven't thought about them enough during the day I light two candles which stand as part of their tribute on the mantle piece. 

I miss our girls every day and often imagine what it would be like to cuddle them one more time....

Xx T&T 

The hardest day of our lives.. Please note this post is detailed and may upset some readers.

24th October 2013

I wish I could say all was still going well and that we were now celebrating our 24th week of pregnancy but the reality is, we are not.

This is the hardest post I will ever have to right but it needs to be done so here it goes.

We had our bloods done on Monday morning before heading to our scan so that they had time to get the results before we got back.

Our scan was amazing, all looked beautiful with two heart beats, movements and two very cute little babies. We even found out that baby A was actually a GIRL!  We were literally tickled pink even though in the back of my mind I was so hey with our pigeon pair (one boy one girl)

After this we had a tour of the NPICU which for me was really confronting and I decided then and there that I would NOT give up on my babies until they were safe enough to avoid needing care. Don't get me wrong there were some comforts in knowing the huge level of care and meeting the amazing nurses who would be watching over all the babies.

After this we returned to PAC to have our vitals done and our blood results were confirmed positive so nothing required for that. One thing that did come up was the bacteria found on our swab from Wednesday which the Dr decided we needed a script for...... Not sure why they waited a whole week to tell us.

We went home and did some general house duties and care for Harry, we decided not to have dinner till later as we had a late lunch. 

I was sitting on the couch at around 6:30 when I noticed Braxton hicks starting up and being rather closer together than normal. They were painless but I decided to have a warm shower to see if they would easy off.

After having a shower and not seeing any change I jumped into bed to have a lie down but started feeling them coming every two minutes so I started timing. After a while I started cramping with each one so decided to call PAC and was told to come in.

Aidan dropped Harry off at his Aunties and came back to get me after I had packed a few hints just in case. We got to PAC and had our vitals checked and had a monitor attached. Vitals looked fine and after a while I had them check my cervix which seemed fine but a little shorter than normal. I was then admitted to a delivery room and after a while given gas to help with the pain.... I was in Labor.

A stab of pethadine and some tablets to take to try and slow labor were administered as the pain continued.... Pethadine didn't do jack!

Some hours later I had another check and was around 7cm dilated so from then it was no turning back. These babies were coming and there was no choice but to deliver. I Broke Down. This was the end of a difficult journey with very few glimpses of hope. 

I was really scared about a c section and really didn't want this to be the way for them to arrive. I was promised that all would be quiet, beautiful and just how I wanted it. 

I asked for an epidural and if it was too late, they thought it would be very soon but decided I deserved it so went to get the pain guy.

I had a cannula put on me and had antibiotics administered as well as some fluids while we waited. 

At last came the epidural which only gave minor relief and needed to be turned up for the exam. The third exam revealed 9cm dilated and the Dr could feel our baby b so it was time to give a little push. 

After a quick push and one gorgeous tiny hand and foot popped out but I needed to dilate more before they could manipulate her out. I could feel movement but not pain so I knew my baby girl was still alive. After a while the movements stopped and a scan couldn't find her heart beat. 

I had yet another exam and it was now time to push. It didn't take much pushing or much effort and she was here at 2:56 am. She was placed on my chest and although I was an emotional mess it was the most beautiful thing. She was so small and her eyes were closed..... Sleeping.

We had photos taken while waiting for the placenta to come down and our baby girl Tilly Caroline was weighed, measured and dressed in the most beautiful hand made outfit and wrapped in a tiny quilted bunny rug. Aidan held our first daughter while I was examined and scanned again and it was known that our second daughter was now on her way down. 

I was asked for pushes but couldn't handle having to deliver her so soon after her sister so I asked for some time.

The Drs agreed to come back in a while as I wasn't in pain and she wasn't fully engaged yet. We got to spend some more time with Tilly and after an hour and a bit I began to push her out.

She wasn't as easy due to the sac being still intact but managed to get her down and halfway put before the sac burst which I look back at now as a little funny because it went everywhere! One more push and her head came out and twice as much fluid.

Baby Tabitha Frances at 4:42am was then placed on my chest as she moved her wee hands and arms and seemed to be looking for us even though her eyes were still closed. I was worried that she might cry and I would be in tears again but she was just so beautiful like her sister. Our darling second daughter went to sleep peacefully after four beautiful minutes on her mummies chest. 

We had more photos and our darling girls were placed together on my chest to be with each other while they delivered my placenta. Tabitha was also weighed and measured and dressed in a matching outfit.

We took turns holding, talking to and taking in every beautiful feature of our girls. They look a lot like our wee Harry and much like each other.

The girls were placed in a cot together as I needed the rest of my placenta delivered because it detached and stayed inside. This was supposed to be done in the surgical ward but I couldn't bare to desert my daughters at this time so begged for it to be done our room. I was given gas and a high block which is a much higher dose of the epidural. Once all the placenta was delivered I started to feel weird like I couldn't breath. Here began my fight for life...

Because the block had locked up the muscles in my ribs which had hindered my ability to breath, I fought for breath but couldn't seem to take in enough air. I was shaking like a leaf which seized up my joints and made them very sore. I was given a mask and my temperature sky rocketed to 38.7 deg and wouldn't come down. This was a sign that some bugs had been stirred up and I now had a nasty infection in my blood. My heart raced to 140bpm and I swear I have never felt closer to death in my life.

I'm not sure how long it took to get me calm again but eventually breathing became easier after several drugs and antibiotics were administered. 

My temperature stayed risen for a long while and nausea set in due to the amount of drugs and bugs.

Our girls stayed safe snuggled up together as we waited for my stats to return to normal. By around 9 am I was feeling a little better and my legs were finally coming to.

We had cuddles and talked to our girls during the morning and I tried to eat a little breakfast. I managed a shower by 10am and started to feel more normal minus the afterbirth pains and the uncomfortable feeling you get after you have been numb and sitting on your bottom for hours on end. 

Big achievement of the morning? Aidan went to move the car and I had a cannula inserted in my left arm with no gas!!! Go me!!!

We were also having photos taken at 11 am by heartfelt photography which was amazing! If anyone has a loss or even a critically ill child please know their services are available to you free of charge! Amazing people and absolutely worth it. Although at that time we had to reschedule him because I needed to be taken for a CAT scan to rule out any blood clots in my chest.

I was wheeled out in the most ancient wheelchair you can imagine and taken to the X-ray department. For those of you who don't know, a cat scan machine looks like a giant doughnut which you lie on a table and are manoeuvred through the centre of it. Inside it rotates around your body and takes a picture while contrast fluid is shoved quickly through your cannula......yeah um OUCH!!! It makes you feel warm and like you might pee yourself but you can't move!

I later found out that apparently I moved so couldn't get a great picture the. Had to have another one later on in the day grr. 

On return to our room we waited around and the photographer arrived to take pictures of us and the twins. Aidan's parents came to see us and bring Harry in too which was lovely as we had a few photos with them too. We were then taken to a birth suite which has a double bed so Aidan was allowed to stay which is great. The twins were wheeled in there and we settled in again while I was hooked up to antibiotics once again.

Aidan's sister came and I was taken for my second cat scan which wasn't quite as scary because I was given a tablet to relax and put a cloth over my eyes. This was a newer machine and it sounded similar to an aeroplane so I imagined that I was sitting on a plane ready to take off and soon it was over. We had some family time when I got back and eventually everyone left and we spent some more time with the twins before falling asleep with the help of some tablets.

Best sleep I have had in a long time as I only woke up in the morning!! 

So today we have seen a lot of people that have been with us through our medical journey including our midwives from Harry's pregnancy, nurses, midwives from PAC, Drs, peads and received some lovely flowers as well as so many lovely messages on facebook. 

My blood cultures came back which showed lots of bugs in my blood which explains the infections but we will need to wait 6 weeks for all the others tests they did. 

Today we also said our goodbyes to our wee girls. We dressed them in two new matching outfits as we wanted to keep the ones they were in, and had Harry say goodbye too before they were taken away :(

We have cried many tears today and I can't even explain how we feel seeing them go. 

I'm not sure what else to write today apart from I seem to have healed nice and fast and we may go home soon but not until we have seen the grief councillor and made sure we are stable enough to handle going home to our house.

My mum arrives soon and it will be amazing to see her finally. 

I will update how we get on as our journey through grief and healing continues.

Kia kaha to all my readers and a huge thank you to all the amazing staff of the Royal Hobart Hospital for being so amazing, supportive, sensitive and going out of their way to help us in any way possible!!

And please if anyone wants to see our beautiful girls don't hesitate to ask for a photo. I won't post one here as it is very confronting.

Xx T&T

The hardest decision you will ever make

20th October 2013

I have avoided updating this week mainly because I'm not sure what to say....

We had our Wednesday appointment with the obstetrician as well as the paediatrician (which was rather amusing). They had strong opinions although seemed to be on a similar track in regards to our care before and after the babies are born which is good. We found out later that the cockiness and strong opinions were just because we suspect they are actually a married couple.

One downside to not having a midwife is that we get told a lot of the same information over and over again as each Dr isn't aware what has already been said. 

One thing that was very clear was that we had to decide that if the babies were born between that day and the following Wednesday, would we resuscitate?

Although at this very early stage (only 23 weeks) and due to twins and the high risks to twin b this may have been not such a hard decision (although heart wrenching) I fear that as we get further along and if baby b doesn't progress as we have hoped that this decision will become harder and harder.

No parent should have to decided if their child lives or not, the fact is, a lot of parents face this decision at some point. It's not fair and its not easy especially when you don't know the future..... What if they HAD survived? What if prolonging their existence would be later regretted? 

Without knowledge how our babies are REALLY doing, even with a scan they can't tell us a lot of things until they are born and resuscitation is executed, the most unfair decision is left up to the parents....

We have another scan tomorrow so hopefully some more good news...

Xx B&S 

It's been a while.

15th October 2013

**Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, so to all you strong mummas out there I send my love to you, your partners and your children as well as to all the wee angels taken far too soon **

I haven't updated in a while and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because I have spent more time updating my facebook status? There is something about putting personal things in your status that makes you think, will me status be appreciated? Will anyone care? Will it offend someone? Who really knows!

I recently read a post on a forum that stated some viewers of this persons posts were upset by and not appreciative of this woman posting pictures of her angel baby after it was stillborn. I myself don't understand what all the fuss is about but once again I am left wondering, if something like that bothers people and people that are supposedly your friends (they are on your friends list) then what other things might offend....

Back to updating you all, we had a PAC appointment on Saturday to get blood taken and vitals checked which took about 3 hours by the time the Dr was available to check me over and dismiss us but they were concerned about my Pap smear taken when I was admitted for bleeding as it showed Infection but my bloods did not. It turns out that the antibiotics I was on should kill it so I was sent home. Will get a recheck tomorrow at our HRC appointment tomorrow. 

Other than that I have had a wee bit of rest and have been very tired, I had a hard day yesterday as our boy was sick and very needy and wouldn't sleep so I was left with him and ended up with a wee bit of blood loss and pains which righted themselves by evening. Today though I had a great day as the boys went up north to find a backpack carrier for Harry so I took the time to sit down but also get a few things done. One of which was work on the crochet blanket further which I have almost run out of wool for!

One thing I did for myself today which I found rather therapeutic and uplifting was to paint my nails! Broadway pink with pink glitter on top :) it's so good o do a little something for yourself when you have the chance.

I think that's all for tonight so will see how tomorrow goes!

Xx B&S 

Good news!!! But will it last??....

11th October 2013

Wow!! Our scan yesterday was not what we were expecting!!!

Both babies have grown and are looking great! The dr even came in because he didn't believe the abdominal measurement that the sonographer took! He took a look himself and exclaimed that it was a great measurement! 

There was fluid in her stomach which means there is enough to swallow, she is swallowing therefore also inhaling!!!! Good girl baby B!!!

Baby A measured 21weeks 6days and baby B 20weeks 4days :) bit happy with that!!

Bed rest must have been helping as there was a tiny bit of fluid around her abdomen, not much but more than none!

Once home I had to look after Harry which was rather difficult as I can't lift him. I had to get up and down many times which caused a lot of fluid loss. So today I put myself on home bed rest and so far loss has been minimal. Our theory is that the more fluid that isn't squeezed out of the sac the more she will have to breath :) 

Baby A yawning :)

Baby B profile :)

Rather difficult road ahead but we are determined to keep them both cooking as long as we can :)

Xx B&S  

Home at last!!

9th October 2013

HOME!!!!!!

I can't believe this day has finally come, for a while there it seemed as if there was no end in sight.

I had a visit from the Dr who asked me what our ideas and understanding were about delivering early and resuscitation to which I told him what we knew so far. He proceeded to explain that delivery early is highly likely and that because of our breech twin it will be a cesarian but also because one twin is transverse, the incision would have to be vertical which would affect any future pregnancy as the abdominal wall may rupture. 

We are also told that the hospital would happily resuscitate a baby at 23 weeks although that decision would be left up to us. 

Anyway, I got my bloods from yesterday checked and white cell count had gone from 8 to 9 which could mean an impending infection. The Dr asked if I would like a break from bloods today to which I replied "what will get me home sooner?" He laughed and left. An hour later a midwife came in to take my blood :P I guess that was the Drs answer ha ha

They were taken and I awaited the prognosis. Meanwhile my new roommate went down for a ciggy and took her noisy family with her and I had a rest.

When the Dr came back he said that all looked good and I was free to leave!!!!!! Provided I came back on Saturday for more bloods and kept my appointment on Wednesday :D I literally jumped out of bed and started packing!!!!!

We have a scan tomorrow morning which we will see how much the babies are weighing and check on fluid, placenta and blood pooling :)

Glad to be home now although because I was resting for 4 days I was exhausted just walking to the car!

Will update about our scan tomorrow.

Xx B&S

Loneliness and feeling "Stuck"

9th October 2013

So my roommate left last night and although it's nice having a room to yourself there comes a point at around 7pm where you just feel lonely.....

I watched a movie, we'll started one, and tried to keep my mind off things. I managed about an hour before I decided it would be less lonely if I went to sleep.

This morning I woke up early enough that should a midwife come in with all the energy of someone about to go home I would be ready...alas this did not happen till 7:30am.

I had a fair amount of loss last night and brighter pink loss when I checked first thing. This is not a good thing.....

Had a few pains this morning which according to one dr isnt good.

Looking forward to breakfast and rounds should start shortly.....woo it just arrived!

Will update after I stuff my face and rounds are over :)

Xx B&S

So guess what!!!!! The Dr's are going to review my bloods and possibly let me go home today or tomorrow!!!!

Also, breakfast was brill as usual.

I have a new roommate too. She is older than me, has two other children is heavily pregnant and is apparently dying because she needs a cigarette...... she is heading off for one soon......

Anyways some good news for this morning at least :)

Xx B&S

Rounds

8th October 2013

Morning rounds were a little different this morning. Was very much like what you would see on an episode of scrubs where dr Cox is treating the other Dr's like they are 'newbies' and asking questions that they should be able to answer but they are so worried about being patronized should they get it wrong that all you hear is silence......

So the verdict is in.... I have to stay here until there is no trace of blood.

Also it was said that because twin b (which apparently must now be known as presenting twin) is breech, we must have a cesarean section...... this is an issue because the risk to lungs for a cesarean are so high that she might not survive the only way they can be born......

But.... A cesarean is possible to cause me some health issues also....

So in short, there will be no winners...

Depressing much??!!

Highlight of my day today shall be visitors.

Xx B&S

Survived the first night :)

7th October 2013

I survived the first night in hospital!!! Woo hooooo!

I must tell you all it wasn't easy, between being distraught for missing my boys and the constant sleep interruptions (the fun of sharing a room) it was very difficult. I have been informed I am staying tonight also and I hope that being the second night and having a new, much quieter, roommate I will find it much easier.

I had a visit from Aidan and Harry and had plenty of Dr's, midwives, cleaners, peads and a lady from medicare to keep me entertained :)

The most hilarious part of my day had to be this mornings rounds, it really is just like in the movies where there are 5 or so Dr's who walk in, stand around your bed, stare at you but only one of them speaks.

The bleeding seems to have slowed down which is good and perhaps I might be let out tomorrow...

I have had some nice meals with rather questionable desserts (no idea what they were) and plenty of nice snacks brought in by Aidan :)

We talked to the pead today who gave us some real insight to what we were in for and the decisions that would have to be made at each gestational milestone. Our ultimate goal is at least 28 weeks if not 32 then full term. Born any earlier and we risk losing one if not both twins.

So exhausted now and it's almost 7pm which is not far off bed time I think. Two hours sleep last night but hopefully much more tonight.
Expecting a visit from my mother in law and my harry boy very soon :)

Update you all tomorrow

Xx B&S

First hospital stay....

6th October 2013

We were about to head to a barbecue and I started bleeding.......

Normally I would freak out but we have been through so much it just seems more like a small hurdle now.

We went to pac and got seen by the Dr's. The bleed seems to have stopped but they want to keep me in for a few days to make sure I don't go into labor.

This was daunting just thinking about staying the night but to not see my boy in the morning is just plain awful!!! It's 10 pm and I miss him terribly! Sharing a room and my 17 year old roommate has been alone for the last few days and must be lonely as I'm the last 5 minutes I now know her whole life story as well as been told that 30 (my age) is really old.....

Hoping that I get some sleep tonight and can perhaps go home tomorrow?

I take my hat off to all the hospital bed resters out there it isn't easy!

That's all from me tonight...

Xx B&S

Infections and treatment.

4th October 2013

I was still feeling weird this morning (weird pain in my bladder and still needing to go several times in a few minutes) so we toddled off to PAC after raining ahead to let them know we were coming.

They were great and so accommodating! Got welcomed in, gave them a urine sample and was popped on a bed which was extremely comfortable (asked where I could get one). Felt weird being treated as a patient just for a sample of urine lol.

We sat back and waited a couple of minutes while they checked the sample which came back with a few white blood cells (which indicates infection) but not a high level so the midwife came back to take some blood. When I routinely told her I was needle phobic and that I would be fine but just don't let me see it, she went to get a smaller needle! Ha ha usually they just get on with it. One midwife popped her head around the curtain and disappeared again saying "oh it's not her it's a different lady" I'm guessing there is a regular who is also phobic. 

Then a Dr came back with the needle (happened that it was the same Dr I spoke with on the phone earlier) and exclaimed that I hadn't told her one twin was ruptured. I guess I just forget now and then as it has become such the norm that I don't see fit to get treated any differently to other patients. (Pretty sure I had mentioned it though).

She took the blood and we waited for the results which took about an hour in which time I had blood pressure and temp taken while the room filled up with other women who were each hooked up to monitors and the room soon became noisy with the sound of baby heart beats.

The midwife managed to find both heart beats of our babies and the Dr came back with a script with strict instructions to now monitor my temperature twice a day for infection.

I was thrilled with the level of care as I didn't think twice about being admitted for a urine test so very glad they went to lengths to make sure I was fine before leaving :)

Crashed out on our bed when I got home though, thinking I may not have slept as well as I thought last night!

 I am now in bed and hoping for some good rest tonight.

Xx B&S 

Decisions...

3rd October 2013

Posting today as yesterday was our weekly appointment but afterwards there were just too many things running through my mind to blog.... Perhaps I should have taken the opportunity to write it all down and get it out of my head?

All was well and good with us, checked blood pressure, looked at babies, wee girl is breech and made plans for our next appointment. We also asked a few questions... One of which brought up the topic of resuscitation. I had asked if we should get the steroids at 24 weeks which the reply we got involved us having to think about whether we would resuscitate if they arrive between 24 and 27 weeks. There is only a 20% chance of survival without severe neurological issues so we would have to think about how we would handle it. I know myself and I would go straight on my emotional feelings and chose to save my babies no matter what.. But in reality I don't want to have to make that decision.

I think I will get the steroids just in case but will try as much rest in between 24 and 27 weeks to try get us through the really risky period.

So... Theban for the next three weeks is as follows, bloods next wed morning (marked urgent) PAC appointment in the afternoon (seeing high risk clinic only every two weeks now that things look stable) 

Then the week after its scan on Monday morning, bloods on Tuesday then appointment on we'd with HRC and also appointment with a Pead and steroids! Very busy few weeks.

Will be visiting PAC tomorrow morning as I am sure I have a UTI :( been busting for the loo three times in 5 minutes but nothing comes out!...... Bugger.

The good thing about PAC is that they are really flexible! Our appointment on we'd next week is just a turn up sometime in the afternoon kind of appointment :)

Anyways I am going to try and sleep...

Night all!

Xx B&S 

It's a.......

30th September 2013

So! We finally got our scan on baby b today :) must have shifted positions as it was so much easier to get all the pictures they needed without having to do an internal YAY! 

Baby b is looking great although the Dr still made sure we knew the outcome is really bleak despite what we saw today. I think perhaps working in a public health system you have to be extra cautious in terms of information. We weren't even allowed a print out of the gender shot in case we sued.....

So all measurements were good and no highlighted problems other than the lack of fluid and there was even fluid in the stomach which is great because that means swallowing!!!

Although very squished we were also able to find out the gender of our wee squeak!

So here is the verdict :)

Baby A is a ......BOY!!!!

And Baby B is a .......GIRL!!!!  The dr couldn't see any boy bits so is very sure it's a girl :)

Our beautiful pigeon pair :) Harry will love having a brother and a sister! We now can focus on the future and what will be happening at future scans etc. next appointment is on Wednesday morning as usual so will chat to the Dr.

So excited!!!!!! I love having a boy and so excited to be blessed with another and equally excited about the possibility of experiencing life with a daughter also :)

Keep fighting babies, mumma is excited to meet you xxx

Xx B&S 

Sleep is for the fortunate

28th September 2013

So we went for our appointment only to be told 2 minutes before that the Dr was sick and could we come back on Monday?.....

I am at peace with the Dr being sick but when you have been waiting for half your pregnancy to find out if your baby is okay only to be told you have to wait another week...feelings are a little different, disappointing, nervous, upset and many more. 

We have been rescheduled for Monday morning at 10:30am. We had our weekly visit to the HRC but because of the scan of baby b being postponed there wasn't a lot to discuss. No more antibiotics thank goodness as they made me feel sick and she wrote a referral for my weekly bloods which I was fortunate enough to have a different nurse to last two weeks.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday and it was pretty good :) I got a cake which is all I ask for really and a most lovely visit and park play date fro. A friend and her beautiful children.

The last two nights though sleep hasn't been my friend. I wake up every half hour or so leaking fluid or simply in discomfort. After a few awakenings I stay awake and can't seem to settle into sleep again, Thursday night I was awake from 1am and last night 3 or 4am! Because I have my darling Harry to care for I am unable to nap during the day so sleep at night is my only chance for rest. Starting to think perhaps I shou,d sleep sitting up? I believe it is the fear and the constant feeling of the leaking and wetness that is keeping me awake but alas there isn't much that can be done. My lovely sister in law is taking Harry for a few hours tomorrow so I might try and catch up on some shut eye then.

Will try to remember to ask the Dr for any sleeping ideas next Wednesday.

I guess that's all for now.

Xx B&S 

20 week scan

24th September 2013

The day finally came... And went! 

We had a good scan today and both babes are still with us :) today they checked everything that they could in relation to growth and well being and baby a came out with flying colours :) 

Baby b although squished showed no problems in its brain which is good and is measuring in proportion but has slipped in growth so is now two weeks behind its sibling. 

We are booked in for an internal scan tomorrow morning so they can better see baby b's anatomy as it was very difficult today. The poor thing though was curled around in a C shape which looked rather awkward and we hope to discuss this more tomorrow. 

All in all a nice day :) beautiful weather and lovely and warm for a change! Time for a short relax before mumma duties commence for dinner time.

Also here is a profile of baby a :)

Xx B&S 

Pre-Scan nerves

23rd September 2013

You know that feeling you get deep down in the pit of your stomach when you suddenly realise that something you have been waiting a long time for is right at your doorstep?...

Well that's me right now! Always at night but this time I also realised that I am far more nervous than I thought.

Context?.... Our 20week scan!

We have finally reached a point I thought we would never get to but I am happy/reluctant to say that tomorrow we are at half way through baking our two darling buns!!!!!

The reason I say reluctant is that every time I get excited about a scan, something always goes wrong. Be it no fluid, bright bowel or fluid on the brain, something is always different and not quite right. Of course we always hope for the best but in the back of your mind all you really want is for everything to finally be okay.

Tomorrow at 2pm we head for our 20week scan at the Hospital and hopefully will get a lot more information about both babies and hopefully a better idea of where we are headed.

Twenty weeks also means no more LIMBO!!!!!! This pleases me greatly as we will now be taken in by the assessment centre should anything go awry instead of toddling off to emergency without the slightest idea why anything pregnancy related would be told to wait for almost an entire day...

Still leaking a lot but now it's not just when I am sleeping its also when sitting too so I guess there are no winners now and it will just have to be debt with accordingly.

On another note our wee Harry will be 10 months old tomorrow and in the last few days has started crawling, standing and saying dad dad dad! I am very much looking onward to the day when all our beautiful children can play together. Although there is a chance they might not even meet, I hold this thought and darling picture close to my heart.

Until tomorrow my family, friends and supporters!

Xx B&S 

A day of rest

20th September 2013

Today I have dubbed to be 'Lift-Free Day' 

After many pains, Braxton Hicks and plenty of leaking the last week I have decided to test whether my uterus is being upset by the amount of lifting I am doing each day.

Now don't get me wrong, some lifting just can't be avoided when there are things to be done and children to be taken care of and I am we'll aware that I can't take every day off but hey! Humour me for a day...

I will today lift nothing heavier than the recommended weight (7kg) which includes our son who is 12kg eeeeek! 

Wish me luck and I will update how I get on later this evening! 

Also.... Amoxicillin makes me feel sick :( 

Xx B&S 

New information and a step forward

18th September 2013

A quick catch up over the last week...

I have had ongoing pains on the right side of my uterus which weren't alarming but rather uncomfortable and something new. 

We also celebrated Aidan's (my husband) birthday with breakfast and a wee drive followed by (his choice) KFC for dinner! It wasn't that bad.

Lots of fluid loss which happens mostly when I lie down or when I get Braxton Hicks.

So for today, which was our weekly appointment, we didn't have to wait too long this time only 45 mins lol (yes I just lol'ed)

The Dr we saw today was another Dr we hadn't seen yet and he was great! Did blood pressure and pulse and a scan first up which he believes, although claiming he is no expert, he saw a wee bit of fluid around baby b which is good so next week hopefully there will be some still!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that we were called yesterday that I have an infection in my bladder which was picked up two weeks ago but have just decided to write a script for Amoxicillin which should hopefully get rid of it! 

The Dr arranged more bloods to check for infections which will be done weekly now as we are approaching viability :) good to know we are now on the path of "let's care for her" no longer "wait and see, just let nature do its thing" yay!! 

We are now one week away from 20 weeks which means both half way point but also that if we have an emergency we can call the pregnancy assessment centre for help instead of waiting in emergency *HAPPY DANCE* 

We discussed the trial I saw in the waiting room for Magnesium Sulphate which turns out is readily available to us and we will be sure to have it if our beautiful babies decided to or need to arrive early!

Also discussed was the steroid shots which was explained to us in much more detail and we now can make since of. We will be given a shot at 24 weeks if we want it but it only takes 24-48 hours for effectiveness which means they will give just before I go into labour or if they decide to induce. So we are happy with that.

We discussed being administered a hormone should we need to stall labour to give enough time for steroids and magnesium to take effect.

It really does depend on which Dr you get as to how they feel about intervention and care. The Dr today was really understanding about us wanting to do all it takes to save our babies and was very happy to discuss our questions whereas others we have seen have a more bleak outlook and refuse to discuss treatments until we are much further along.

I went and got my bloods done aft our appointment and now know which nurse to avoid!!! I had her last week too and have given her the name Stab-Happy-Susan although I have no idea what her real name is! Talk about ouch!!! Most needles I barely feel but this nurse seems to make sure that you feel every second!

Anyways, my gorgeous wee boy is awake now so will leave it at that for now.

20 week scan next week!!! 

Xx B&S 

Bed time = blog time

11th August 2013

I know the public system is great in regards to not having to pay for a lot but waiting an hour for an appointment that can only be on a Wednesday is just silly! Especially when they ask you to be there 15 minutes early??

Anyways, we got our appointment eventually and got the results for the blood and urine test. The blood test came back fine but the urine test showed infection... These two tests together should marry up so once again I am a bit of a mystery! I had both tests repeated today just incase of contamination so will either get a call by Friday (they were supposed to call me last week and arrange antibiotics but didn't) or will find out next appointment. 

I discussed the excess fluid leakage with the Dr but he didn't seem too concerned because on the scan twin A still had fluid. There wasn't much blood pooling in the uterus anymore which is good so the bleeding has slowed down a lot. 

The other thing the scan showed was that twin B was very curled up on the side and we asked if its spine would be affected, which the Dr answered no and that he thought the twin looked pretty good from what he could see. The one thing that came up that was information I missed at our 12week scan, because I was upset seeing my poor baby all squished, was that if its lungs haven't developed because of such early fluid loss that the baby won't survive long after its born :( the thought of getting all the way to the end and not being able to take your baby home is just awful. My heart goes out to any parents that have had to go through that and I can only pray that our wee twin will somehow pull through and be okay on the other side.

I was prepared for loss in utero but knowing that we may meet our baby then have to say goodbye is just heartbreaking.

Only 13more days till 20weeks and our next scan so hoping to get a lot more information and a better idea of where we are at.

Oh and one more thing, I saw a notice on the wall while we waited that was seeking applicants who were expecting to deliver early to participate in a study of the effects of magnesium sulphate on neuro development in premature babies. I think I will call and ask about this seeing as we are highly likely to deliver early.

I think that's all from me tonight and hope to have more updates really soon! Goodnight everyone! 

Xx B&S 

Pinched nerves

10th September 2013

So after all my BH on Saturday night I found that I had pinched a nerve in my lower back! Although these are fairly common for me, during pregnancy the hormones loosen up your muscles, I have never had this happen while I was sleeping!!! It feels like someone is pinching you but deep down and in a much larger space, it doesn't go away no matter how you position yourself and if you don't take anything for it then after a few days becomes achy.

Finally today, Tuesday it was feeling a wee bit better so I managed to take a walk with Harry to get some lunch. It's amazing how just getting out of the house for a short while makes you feel so much better :) 

Hoping I don't have a chain reaction like I did earlier in the pregnancy and get one after the other! 

We have our next appointment tomorrow so will be interested to see if all this fluid loss is just from the one wee babe. We will also get our results back from both the urine test and the blood test. Assuming that because they didn't call me on Friday all should be okay. 

In bed early tonight as I was awake from 4am with an over active mind!!!!

............. Okay so now I apparently have grumbly guts :( rushing to the loo is not my idea of fun!!!

Anyways, not sure who our Dr will be tomorrow but hopefully the one we have seen most as she knows our story best. Should give my Gp a call and fill her in.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night tonight!

Xx B&S 

5am...

So last night we changed prime ministers.... I'm not going to say gained because as of yet there are no visible gains to be seen as a New Zealander living in Australia with no citizenship. 

Anyways, the entire night I have been awake every half hour or so as my uterus contracts with painless Braxton hicks (who was Braxton? Must google this later) which in turn is expelling fluid in large amounts... There isn't a lot of blood mixed in so not sure where this precious fluid is coming from.

I am hoping its not from baby b and that it was just trapped somewhere. Soaked an entire maternity pad which I wouldn't usually do throughout an entire day of activity!

Last 3-4 days there has been more fluid loss than normal and I am really hoping that all is still well with our baby b but also with our baby a.

Not sure if we should head to emergency tomorrow to get checked out as its not really an emergency but there isn't anywhere else for us to go (the beauty of limbo) until we hit the 20week mark (counting down the days) in 16 days time.

Been rather moody as of late but I am putting that down to pregnancy insomnia and all the hormones (although I'm pretty sure hormones get blamed for everything and not just during pregnancy) my one solace is my always cheerful little guy Harry! I think I would go insane if I didn't get to see his happy, oh I am so glad to see you, face every morning.

Might try get back to sleep now as I have been awake for an hour and a half and wake up time is merely a half hour away....

Good morning Australia, and good night to those of you who are now off to bed.

Xx B&S 

Just an update after a couple of hours sleep, had around 30 BH last night which in turn has also made my back very sore!! Woke up this morning after a dream that I delivered one twin on the footpath!! Was very cute though with lots of dark hair. 

This morning I am still in bed at 10:30am feeling exhausted and sore while still getting BH, my lovely husband is about to make pancakes! Love him <3

Check up number...... I forget

4th September 2013

So we had our weekly checkup today... Why is it that they ask you to arrive 15 minutes early yet they are always running half an hour late?

Met some interesting people in the waiting room which seemed to be over crowded. Harry certainly is a conversation starter that's for sure but it's not alway a good thing when the people who decide to converse are rather chatty but smell strongly of recently smoked cigarettes and booze which consequently make me feel like vomiting...

We had a different Dr today whom we have met before but not through the high risk clinic, she is lovely although her accent (Indian) makes communication a little difficult. 

We talked about my fluid loss which there was a lot of yesterday, also we talked about the previous scan results again and it was said that there was fluid trapped in one of the vessels in baby b's brain which should hopefully resolve itself. 

She mentioned that they checked that the nasal bone was present and it was so hopefully that rules out Trisomy 13 (downs syndrome) so that's nice to know. We will get the sonographer to check measurements etc as we are unable to have amniocentesis because there is no fluid.

The Dr decided that no action needs to be taken as far as my thyroid is concerned which is great and she ordered a urine test to make sure the infection has gone and bloods to check blood count and for wider infection. We also talked about getting a steroid injection at 24 weeks provided all is going well and that will help baby b with lung development but they won't do much other than that to help them till after 26-28 weeks!!! Geepers I really hope we make it that far!! They haven't given up on me yet so I am not going to give up on them!! :) 

We saw our darlings on the scan again and baby a was wriggling away like crazy!!! Baby b was moving also and it's wee heart beat is still strong! Baby a even gave the scanner a good kick :)

As for me I had a rather restless sleep last night but woke at 7 feeling rather full of energy! 

Hopefully we should have all results back by Friday and then another appointment next week. 

So for now all is as well as can be expected and our babies are continuing to survive :)

Xx B&S

Today

3rd September 2013

Woo so we are all caught up now and here is my post for today.

All previous posts are information specific to what I could remember and didn't contain anything all that personal but I think you will find a fair bit more personal stuff in the posts from here on as, well, sometimes a woman just needs to get it out in the open.

Last night was a not too uncomfortable night as the last few months have been rather sleepless to say the least. My energy has started to return though and I no longer require (or rather just plain CONK OUT) a day sleep in the afternoons. I did however have a fairly large fluid loss though which is probably due to there being no loss yesterday.

So far September has been lovely and we have been rather fortunate to have great weather which we managed to go to the beach in and not get cold.

Our next appointment is tomorrow and I feel confident that the babies are okay and we will see the same sight we have been for the last 5 weeks. We are now at 17 weeks gestation and I have felt the babies (well one at least) moving a fair bit the last week. I have felt them move from about 13 weeks but only because I knew what I was feeling.

Must get round to entering pictures into the previous posts and also take a new belly shot!

Until next time! (which will most likely be tomorrow after our appointment)

Oh and a belly shot at 17 weeks taken today :)

xx B&S (Bubble and Squeak)

Follow up from our latest scan

28th August 2013

This brings you up to our latest appointment which was a follow up from our last scan.

I had been experiencing Braxton hicks already and was a little concerned as I hadn't had any till 20 weeks with Harry but the dr assured us that all was well and you can get them this early.

The scan showed a bright bowel on Baby B which means that on the sonogram it glowed white the same as bones do which could either indicate that the baby has a chromosomal problem (we are prepared for this already) or it simply may have swallowed blood. We think this is highly likely also due to the rupture and the internal bleeding so will just have to wait and see how the next scan at 20 weeks goes in order to assess the situation further.

Oh and I forgot to mention that the Friday after our booking in appointment I had been contacted to say that I have a bladder infection so was to pick up antibiotics asap.

Anyways back to the visit. I had also got back the test results from my thiroid blood test and they, as all things in our current pregnancy are, were very confusing! the measure three things and one was high, they other two were low which didn't compute! We will find out at the next appointment if she has figured anything out otherwise we will be going for another blood test after that.

All up to date so far I hope you are enjoying reading my blog and if anything it is interesting if not informative or comforting.

16 week scan

26th August 2013

Holy Moly!!! We made it to 16 weeks and had our scan!

This scan was rather special because not only did I get to bring Mum to the appointment (she missed out on my whole last pregnancy) but we also found out the sex of Baby A!!! (we are keeping it a secret for now as Baby B is still anon lol

The scan went great, we found out a whole lot of information including that they are definitely di/di twins and that the loss of fluid and small size of baby B is not due to TTTS Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome :D

Twin A is doing great and Twin B isn't doing to bad either. The uterus is split down the middle so each twin can move from above to below each other all the time which explains my fluid loss at random times as they move or switch places the fluid escapes.

The male sonographer we saw first was a bit rough and afterwards had a fair amount of bright red bleeding but the Dr who came in after was much more gentle and baby A cooperated for her and we found out its a....................................!!!!!! he he secret squirrel

We didn't get given any pictures though which is sad but I suppose we are just used to getting given a disc with all the images from the place we usually go!

We have a follow up appointment on Wednesday to discuss the results and check in with the HRC.

Booking in!

21st August 2013

I have not included posts about all our visits to the EPAS Early Pregnancy Assessment Service as they are all much the same, we go in, tell our story, they do a primitive scan (Our way of saying they used their ancient machine that can do no more than see a hb and very fuzzily outlined figures) they say "Wait and See" and we leave again after asking whether they received the referral from our dr and getting a yes we did or a no we can't find it.... very frustrating.

In that time my Mumma has also arrived for a visit!! All the way from New Zealand and it is great!!!

Anyway, we finally have our booking in visit after having our second trip to Emergency and being rather distraught about all the LIMBO that we are experiencing.

We wait for what seems like forever in the waiting room (we are pretty good and well prepared at waiting now) and finally we get to see a Midwife. They take a urine sample, and sit me down to fill out a mental health assessment form. I passed that by the skin of my teeth because honestly over the week before, I had been feeling honestly pretty down about our whole situation. The midwife agreed and was glad that I had not ticked the box that said "I feel so sad I want to harm myself" She herself has been through something similar so knows what I am going on about when I say "I never want to hear anyone say, "At least you still have one baby in there", "Oh but you are so lucky to already have one healthy child". Trust me its no consolation for losing a child no matter how many healthy children you already or could potentially have.

A LOT of paperwork was filled out and all our details were entered into the system including past scans, blood test results and any family history that may hold a clue to why this has happened or what may happen in the future.

Oh I forgot to mention that they took a measurement of my height (with shoes on go figure) and weight! Eeeeeep Didn't want to see that reading that's for sure! Perhaps once we get further along, Aidan will finally be lighter than me lol!

An hour later we were sent back to the waiting room to wait our turn to see the dr in the High Risk Clinic which we were just booked into. We didn't have to wait too long.

The dr was GREAT! She answered so many of our questions and even told us a few success stories of women in our same position! It is like a breath of fresh air getting to see a dr who specialises in High Risk Pregnancies!

We are once again told the odds of what may happen but also told that we may be surprised to see that they are both just fine.

My blood pressure was taken, and checked for breathing and Thiroid which the dr thinks is a little enlarged so off for blood tests we go!

I think that was the extent of the conversation and we had another scan which was nice to see them both. We are told we can come in every week if we feel we need to which we have chosen to do purely for reassurance because of the constant bleeding which has now been going on for 4 weeks.

Next week on BSTJ... Lol 16 week scan update in the next post!

Second emergency trip!

8th August 2013

Just about to go to bed at 9:40pm and feel a gush...... Yup off to emergency again!

I felt and heard a pop like what I heard when my waters broke with Harry. My fear was that the waters had now ruptured around baby 'a' :(

This trip went much more smoothly as my mil took Harry and we waited only an hour before the amazing triage nurse managed to get us a bed in maternity instead of in emergency which we would have had to wait for hours for!

Great experience up there as we were treated like humans rather than a number and waited in comfort for the drs who were delivering a baby that moment. After half an hour a scan was done to confirm that both babies were just fine albeit the absence of water around baby 'b'. The waters may have been pooling from baby 'b' and its thought they may have just nudged past baby a and out into the open.

A sigh of relief was breathed by us both and we managed to get I to bed by 2am :)

Still the wait continues.....

12 week scan

5th August 2013

Our twelve week Nuchal scan (where they check growth, organs and also for Down's syndrome) had come four days after our emergency trip and we were feeling good!

The first thing we saw was just one baby.... "Oh! Where is our other baby?"

The sonographer looked puzzled and asked if we were sure it is twins. They eventually found the baby but there was no fluid around our wee babe :(

The scan continued and measured baby a for downs and growth then Moved on to our baby b. still a heart beat, still growing but no fluid.

The dr returned once again and this time (after a really bad joke made by me about feeling sorry for her being the bearer of bad news all the time) told us that she is very sorry but due to no fluid being detected that our baby had signs of foetal demise and would shortly either be reabsorbed or would be flattened by the other twin.

Yeah I broke down.....

No mother wants to be told that.... Now to 'wait and see' what happens...

We would now be expedited for a booking in with the high risk clinic.

Twin A all cozy in its wee swimming pool

Our poor darling Twin B with no fluid at all, this was very hard to look at as it was moving around and all I could think about was the fact that it may be in pain.

Twin A is at the bottom and Twin B up the top but hard to make out.

Follow up scan

2nd August 2013

So our morning scan at the hospital went rather well! We saw both babies and both sacs looked the same size and both babies heart beats were great! Finally some good news! I was still bleeding but at that point I didn't care!! :D

Baby 'b' had also developed far enough that its bowel was now safely tucked away where it should be! 

Had all our problems ended?....

Emergency

1st August 2013

This day was a long one.....

Aidan had gone for a walk and Harry was in bed when I felt a sharp pain. I got up and then felt a trickle..... Running to the bathroom I found I had started gushing and the colour was red..... Safe to say I freaked out....A LOT!

I called Aidan to say "I'm bleeding, we need to go to the hospital" tears flowing I waited for Aidan to get home.

We got to emergency and I told them what happened. After an hours wait I got to see the triage nurse, I told my story again and was asked to wait on the grey chairs.

Lunch time rolled around and we were still waiting. Finally I got some blood drawn and was asked to wait yet again. After three hours in the waiting room in agony and still bleeding we were taken into another room with a bed and once again I told my story (surely I could have it written down to just pass onto the Drs?)

She went away to get pain killers for me, half an hour later and three poo explosions (Harry's) a different Dr came in. Story told AGAIN and finally got some Panadol! No idea where the last dr got to?

We were then moved from the consultation room to a bed in the ward. Changed into a gown and told a Dr wold be there soon. Temp and blood pressure taken. Another hour later after telling my story to three more Drs they said an OBGYN from maternity would come down and see us and get a scan. Poor Harry was so bored by then (4pm and decided to get someone to come get him) shift changes started so story was told again to the new nurses.

At 5:45pm (we had been there since 11am) I got a scan by the OBGYN who said the babies were fine and she wasn't sure where the bleeding was coming from but could be a placental rupture. Finally discharged as they didn't see fit to keep me in all night and to come back for a scan in the morning. 7 hours after we got there, we left.....


This was our crappy beginning of August...

10.5 weeks gestation

22nd July 2013

So! Our next scan day had come, we were now 10.5 weeks along and we waited nervously to see if our wee babe had now become an angel or if life continued.

The sonographer started the scan and I refused to look until she had confirmed the fate of our tiny babies....

There were two heart beats!!!! We were happy :) our babe had lived to fight another week!

The scan continued and once again not much was said until the dr came in again at the end.

"Both babies have grown, the sac is starting to catch up on baby 'b' but we are now told that its bowel is still not enclosed in its body"

Oh great more things to worry about! "This could be because of a chromosomal abnormality but also because the baby is still a week behind in size and possibly gestation, it may just not have corrected itself yet"

Another wait and see couple of weeks. We would know more at the 12 week scan although the dr was surprised that our baby had lived another two weeks on....

The next post is the begins the scary part....

Giganto 10 week Belly

Twin A

Twin B showing much more fluid

Time to catch you up

Okay so here we are at 16 weeks gestation but really I should catch you all up on where we have been so far.

I will start this post with the very first scan.

8th July 2013

8.5 weeks along and I had so far had the elusive morning sickness which had not showed its ugly head with our first wee darling Harry. This led to us thinking, well it's either a girl or (said jokingly) it's twins....

We saw something straight away although thought perhaps it was my bladder or another organ, I eventually asked the sonographer, "ummmmm what's THAT!" Without hesitation she replied "that's your OTHER baby".......

Lots of nervous laughter and disbelief followed accompanied by shifty glances at each other as we thought to ourselves, how are we going to handle this?!! We are so happy though! Two more beautiful babies to love!

The scan showed one large sac and one much smaller one. The smaller one held a wee foetal pole which measured a week behind its womb buddy.
Measurements were taken and a dr was called in to deliver the prognosis.

This is the point where we are told that our baby 'b' is not likely to survive even a week longer.

This is due to the likelihood of a chromosomal abnormality which is suggested by the small size of the baby but also the sac is measuring three weeks behind the gestation of its occupant, but as they are both di/di twins (separate placenta and separate sac) then it should not affect baby 'a'.

There wasn't much solace in this news as a baby is a baby and it was OUR baby.

We are told to wait and see what happens thus beginning the long wait and see journey that is our twin pregnancy...

Next would come our 10.5 week scan...

The first time we saw that it was TWINS!

Twin A large sac

Twin B small sac

Here you see both babies and Twin A's yolk sac