The hardest day of our lives.. Please note this post is detailed and may upset some readers.

24th October 2013

I wish I could say all was still going well and that we were now celebrating our 24th week of pregnancy but the reality is, we are not.

This is the hardest post I will ever have to right but it needs to be done so here it goes.

We had our bloods done on Monday morning before heading to our scan so that they had time to get the results before we got back.

Our scan was amazing, all looked beautiful with two heart beats, movements and two very cute little babies. We even found out that baby A was actually a GIRL!  We were literally tickled pink even though in the back of my mind I was so hey with our pigeon pair (one boy one girl)

After this we had a tour of the NPICU which for me was really confronting and I decided then and there that I would NOT give up on my babies until they were safe enough to avoid needing care. Don't get me wrong there were some comforts in knowing the huge level of care and meeting the amazing nurses who would be watching over all the babies.

After this we returned to PAC to have our vitals done and our blood results were confirmed positive so nothing required for that. One thing that did come up was the bacteria found on our swab from Wednesday which the Dr decided we needed a script for...... Not sure why they waited a whole week to tell us.

We went home and did some general house duties and care for Harry, we decided not to have dinner till later as we had a late lunch. 

I was sitting on the couch at around 6:30 when I noticed Braxton hicks starting up and being rather closer together than normal. They were painless but I decided to have a warm shower to see if they would easy off.

After having a shower and not seeing any change I jumped into bed to have a lie down but started feeling them coming every two minutes so I started timing. After a while I started cramping with each one so decided to call PAC and was told to come in.

Aidan dropped Harry off at his Aunties and came back to get me after I had packed a few hints just in case. We got to PAC and had our vitals checked and had a monitor attached. Vitals looked fine and after a while I had them check my cervix which seemed fine but a little shorter than normal. I was then admitted to a delivery room and after a while given gas to help with the pain.... I was in Labor.

A stab of pethadine and some tablets to take to try and slow labor were administered as the pain continued.... Pethadine didn't do jack!

Some hours later I had another check and was around 7cm dilated so from then it was no turning back. These babies were coming and there was no choice but to deliver. I Broke Down. This was the end of a difficult journey with very few glimpses of hope. 

I was really scared about a c section and really didn't want this to be the way for them to arrive. I was promised that all would be quiet, beautiful and just how I wanted it. 

I asked for an epidural and if it was too late, they thought it would be very soon but decided I deserved it so went to get the pain guy.

I had a cannula put on me and had antibiotics administered as well as some fluids while we waited. 

At last came the epidural which only gave minor relief and needed to be turned up for the exam. The third exam revealed 9cm dilated and the Dr could feel our baby b so it was time to give a little push. 

After a quick push and one gorgeous tiny hand and foot popped out but I needed to dilate more before they could manipulate her out. I could feel movement but not pain so I knew my baby girl was still alive. After a while the movements stopped and a scan couldn't find her heart beat. 

I had yet another exam and it was now time to push. It didn't take much pushing or much effort and she was here at 2:56 am. She was placed on my chest and although I was an emotional mess it was the most beautiful thing. She was so small and her eyes were closed..... Sleeping.

We had photos taken while waiting for the placenta to come down and our baby girl Tilly Caroline was weighed, measured and dressed in the most beautiful hand made outfit and wrapped in a tiny quilted bunny rug. Aidan held our first daughter while I was examined and scanned again and it was known that our second daughter was now on her way down. 

I was asked for pushes but couldn't handle having to deliver her so soon after her sister so I asked for some time.

The Drs agreed to come back in a while as I wasn't in pain and she wasn't fully engaged yet. We got to spend some more time with Tilly and after an hour and a bit I began to push her out.

She wasn't as easy due to the sac being still intact but managed to get her down and halfway put before the sac burst which I look back at now as a little funny because it went everywhere! One more push and her head came out and twice as much fluid.

Baby Tabitha Frances at 4:42am was then placed on my chest as she moved her wee hands and arms and seemed to be looking for us even though her eyes were still closed. I was worried that she might cry and I would be in tears again but she was just so beautiful like her sister. Our darling second daughter went to sleep peacefully after four beautiful minutes on her mummies chest. 

We had more photos and our darling girls were placed together on my chest to be with each other while they delivered my placenta. Tabitha was also weighed and measured and dressed in a matching outfit.

We took turns holding, talking to and taking in every beautiful feature of our girls. They look a lot like our wee Harry and much like each other.

The girls were placed in a cot together as I needed the rest of my placenta delivered because it detached and stayed inside. This was supposed to be done in the surgical ward but I couldn't bare to desert my daughters at this time so begged for it to be done our room. I was given gas and a high block which is a much higher dose of the epidural. Once all the placenta was delivered I started to feel weird like I couldn't breath. Here began my fight for life...

Because the block had locked up the muscles in my ribs which had hindered my ability to breath, I fought for breath but couldn't seem to take in enough air. I was shaking like a leaf which seized up my joints and made them very sore. I was given a mask and my temperature sky rocketed to 38.7 deg and wouldn't come down. This was a sign that some bugs had been stirred up and I now had a nasty infection in my blood. My heart raced to 140bpm and I swear I have never felt closer to death in my life.

I'm not sure how long it took to get me calm again but eventually breathing became easier after several drugs and antibiotics were administered. 

My temperature stayed risen for a long while and nausea set in due to the amount of drugs and bugs.

Our girls stayed safe snuggled up together as we waited for my stats to return to normal. By around 9 am I was feeling a little better and my legs were finally coming to.

We had cuddles and talked to our girls during the morning and I tried to eat a little breakfast. I managed a shower by 10am and started to feel more normal minus the afterbirth pains and the uncomfortable feeling you get after you have been numb and sitting on your bottom for hours on end. 

Big achievement of the morning? Aidan went to move the car and I had a cannula inserted in my left arm with no gas!!! Go me!!!

We were also having photos taken at 11 am by heartfelt photography which was amazing! If anyone has a loss or even a critically ill child please know their services are available to you free of charge! Amazing people and absolutely worth it. Although at that time we had to reschedule him because I needed to be taken for a CAT scan to rule out any blood clots in my chest.

I was wheeled out in the most ancient wheelchair you can imagine and taken to the X-ray department. For those of you who don't know, a cat scan machine looks like a giant doughnut which you lie on a table and are manoeuvred through the centre of it. Inside it rotates around your body and takes a picture while contrast fluid is shoved quickly through your cannula......yeah um OUCH!!! It makes you feel warm and like you might pee yourself but you can't move!

I later found out that apparently I moved so couldn't get a great picture the. Had to have another one later on in the day grr. 

On return to our room we waited around and the photographer arrived to take pictures of us and the twins. Aidan's parents came to see us and bring Harry in too which was lovely as we had a few photos with them too. We were then taken to a birth suite which has a double bed so Aidan was allowed to stay which is great. The twins were wheeled in there and we settled in again while I was hooked up to antibiotics once again.

Aidan's sister came and I was taken for my second cat scan which wasn't quite as scary because I was given a tablet to relax and put a cloth over my eyes. This was a newer machine and it sounded similar to an aeroplane so I imagined that I was sitting on a plane ready to take off and soon it was over. We had some family time when I got back and eventually everyone left and we spent some more time with the twins before falling asleep with the help of some tablets.

Best sleep I have had in a long time as I only woke up in the morning!! 

So today we have seen a lot of people that have been with us through our medical journey including our midwives from Harry's pregnancy, nurses, midwives from PAC, Drs, peads and received some lovely flowers as well as so many lovely messages on facebook. 

My blood cultures came back which showed lots of bugs in my blood which explains the infections but we will need to wait 6 weeks for all the others tests they did. 

Today we also said our goodbyes to our wee girls. We dressed them in two new matching outfits as we wanted to keep the ones they were in, and had Harry say goodbye too before they were taken away :(

We have cried many tears today and I can't even explain how we feel seeing them go. 

I'm not sure what else to write today apart from I seem to have healed nice and fast and we may go home soon but not until we have seen the grief councillor and made sure we are stable enough to handle going home to our house.

My mum arrives soon and it will be amazing to see her finally. 

I will update how we get on as our journey through grief and healing continues.

Kia kaha to all my readers and a huge thank you to all the amazing staff of the Royal Hobart Hospital for being so amazing, supportive, sensitive and going out of their way to help us in any way possible!!

And please if anyone wants to see our beautiful girls don't hesitate to ask for a photo. I won't post one here as it is very confronting.

Xx T&T