Grief is a funny thing..

6th November 2013

I haven't posted in a while as I guess I was trying to just get on with things and not let too many thoughts into my head.

Where are we today and what has happened since our last post?

Things got busy after we left the hospital, we had seen the celebrant and arranged for the funeral director to come and collect the girls on Thursday morning which is when we left the hospital. Finally saw the grief councillor who gave us some info and how to contact them, not sure why we waited to see her as we didn't really gain anything from that appointment. 

We left the hospital which I liken to being in a coma for a long time, you step outside and it feels so foreign and like you have been absent in the world. I had started crocheting a tiny pink blanket while we were in so I can start giving back to the families in need which was the beginning of my non profit organisation which I will blog about soon.

The weather was sunny and bright and as we loaded up all the beautiful flowers and bags I felt slightly nervous about how I would handle being away from the familiarity of the hospital....as it turns out we coped just fine.

Over the next few days we planned our girls send off which was held on the Monday and tried to keep busy and get enough sleep (fail). 

We went to our gp who is amazing and so supportive and Aidan got some sleeping tablets. 

Mum had arrived on the Wednesday night and was a great help as were my in laws with the housework and Harry and organising things. 

Thank god she came as I think we both really needed the mutual support.

The time came for the funeral and it was the most beautiful day! Sunny, warm and just lovely.

It was such an emotional day but was over quickly. We held it at the botanical gardens in the conservatory where they grow the orchids it's like a giant glasshouse! We had a balloon release for the girls, Aidan and I let go two pink balloons and the guests a rainbow of balloons after them. We played the iz version of somewhere over the rainbow (google it, amazing) and the two pink ones stayed together the whole way up until they all disappeared into a cloud. We had cold drinks and scones after.

These last two weeks have flown by and we have had up days and down days, mostly up and it seems weird to be able to talk about them so easily and not be a slobbering mess but maybe they have sent us strength? When I feel like I haven't thought about them enough during the day I light two candles which stand as part of their tribute on the mantle piece. 

I miss our girls every day and often imagine what it would be like to cuddle them one more time....

Xx T&T 

The hardest day of our lives.. Please note this post is detailed and may upset some readers.

24th October 2013

I wish I could say all was still going well and that we were now celebrating our 24th week of pregnancy but the reality is, we are not.

This is the hardest post I will ever have to right but it needs to be done so here it goes.

We had our bloods done on Monday morning before heading to our scan so that they had time to get the results before we got back.

Our scan was amazing, all looked beautiful with two heart beats, movements and two very cute little babies. We even found out that baby A was actually a GIRL!  We were literally tickled pink even though in the back of my mind I was so hey with our pigeon pair (one boy one girl)

After this we had a tour of the NPICU which for me was really confronting and I decided then and there that I would NOT give up on my babies until they were safe enough to avoid needing care. Don't get me wrong there were some comforts in knowing the huge level of care and meeting the amazing nurses who would be watching over all the babies.

After this we returned to PAC to have our vitals done and our blood results were confirmed positive so nothing required for that. One thing that did come up was the bacteria found on our swab from Wednesday which the Dr decided we needed a script for...... Not sure why they waited a whole week to tell us.

We went home and did some general house duties and care for Harry, we decided not to have dinner till later as we had a late lunch. 

I was sitting on the couch at around 6:30 when I noticed Braxton hicks starting up and being rather closer together than normal. They were painless but I decided to have a warm shower to see if they would easy off.

After having a shower and not seeing any change I jumped into bed to have a lie down but started feeling them coming every two minutes so I started timing. After a while I started cramping with each one so decided to call PAC and was told to come in.

Aidan dropped Harry off at his Aunties and came back to get me after I had packed a few hints just in case. We got to PAC and had our vitals checked and had a monitor attached. Vitals looked fine and after a while I had them check my cervix which seemed fine but a little shorter than normal. I was then admitted to a delivery room and after a while given gas to help with the pain.... I was in Labor.

A stab of pethadine and some tablets to take to try and slow labor were administered as the pain continued.... Pethadine didn't do jack!

Some hours later I had another check and was around 7cm dilated so from then it was no turning back. These babies were coming and there was no choice but to deliver. I Broke Down. This was the end of a difficult journey with very few glimpses of hope. 

I was really scared about a c section and really didn't want this to be the way for them to arrive. I was promised that all would be quiet, beautiful and just how I wanted it. 

I asked for an epidural and if it was too late, they thought it would be very soon but decided I deserved it so went to get the pain guy.

I had a cannula put on me and had antibiotics administered as well as some fluids while we waited. 

At last came the epidural which only gave minor relief and needed to be turned up for the exam. The third exam revealed 9cm dilated and the Dr could feel our baby b so it was time to give a little push. 

After a quick push and one gorgeous tiny hand and foot popped out but I needed to dilate more before they could manipulate her out. I could feel movement but not pain so I knew my baby girl was still alive. After a while the movements stopped and a scan couldn't find her heart beat. 

I had yet another exam and it was now time to push. It didn't take much pushing or much effort and she was here at 2:56 am. She was placed on my chest and although I was an emotional mess it was the most beautiful thing. She was so small and her eyes were closed..... Sleeping.

We had photos taken while waiting for the placenta to come down and our baby girl Tilly Caroline was weighed, measured and dressed in the most beautiful hand made outfit and wrapped in a tiny quilted bunny rug. Aidan held our first daughter while I was examined and scanned again and it was known that our second daughter was now on her way down. 

I was asked for pushes but couldn't handle having to deliver her so soon after her sister so I asked for some time.

The Drs agreed to come back in a while as I wasn't in pain and she wasn't fully engaged yet. We got to spend some more time with Tilly and after an hour and a bit I began to push her out.

She wasn't as easy due to the sac being still intact but managed to get her down and halfway put before the sac burst which I look back at now as a little funny because it went everywhere! One more push and her head came out and twice as much fluid.

Baby Tabitha Frances at 4:42am was then placed on my chest as she moved her wee hands and arms and seemed to be looking for us even though her eyes were still closed. I was worried that she might cry and I would be in tears again but she was just so beautiful like her sister. Our darling second daughter went to sleep peacefully after four beautiful minutes on her mummies chest. 

We had more photos and our darling girls were placed together on my chest to be with each other while they delivered my placenta. Tabitha was also weighed and measured and dressed in a matching outfit.

We took turns holding, talking to and taking in every beautiful feature of our girls. They look a lot like our wee Harry and much like each other.

The girls were placed in a cot together as I needed the rest of my placenta delivered because it detached and stayed inside. This was supposed to be done in the surgical ward but I couldn't bare to desert my daughters at this time so begged for it to be done our room. I was given gas and a high block which is a much higher dose of the epidural. Once all the placenta was delivered I started to feel weird like I couldn't breath. Here began my fight for life...

Because the block had locked up the muscles in my ribs which had hindered my ability to breath, I fought for breath but couldn't seem to take in enough air. I was shaking like a leaf which seized up my joints and made them very sore. I was given a mask and my temperature sky rocketed to 38.7 deg and wouldn't come down. This was a sign that some bugs had been stirred up and I now had a nasty infection in my blood. My heart raced to 140bpm and I swear I have never felt closer to death in my life.

I'm not sure how long it took to get me calm again but eventually breathing became easier after several drugs and antibiotics were administered. 

My temperature stayed risen for a long while and nausea set in due to the amount of drugs and bugs.

Our girls stayed safe snuggled up together as we waited for my stats to return to normal. By around 9 am I was feeling a little better and my legs were finally coming to.

We had cuddles and talked to our girls during the morning and I tried to eat a little breakfast. I managed a shower by 10am and started to feel more normal minus the afterbirth pains and the uncomfortable feeling you get after you have been numb and sitting on your bottom for hours on end. 

Big achievement of the morning? Aidan went to move the car and I had a cannula inserted in my left arm with no gas!!! Go me!!!

We were also having photos taken at 11 am by heartfelt photography which was amazing! If anyone has a loss or even a critically ill child please know their services are available to you free of charge! Amazing people and absolutely worth it. Although at that time we had to reschedule him because I needed to be taken for a CAT scan to rule out any blood clots in my chest.

I was wheeled out in the most ancient wheelchair you can imagine and taken to the X-ray department. For those of you who don't know, a cat scan machine looks like a giant doughnut which you lie on a table and are manoeuvred through the centre of it. Inside it rotates around your body and takes a picture while contrast fluid is shoved quickly through your cannula......yeah um OUCH!!! It makes you feel warm and like you might pee yourself but you can't move!

I later found out that apparently I moved so couldn't get a great picture the. Had to have another one later on in the day grr. 

On return to our room we waited around and the photographer arrived to take pictures of us and the twins. Aidan's parents came to see us and bring Harry in too which was lovely as we had a few photos with them too. We were then taken to a birth suite which has a double bed so Aidan was allowed to stay which is great. The twins were wheeled in there and we settled in again while I was hooked up to antibiotics once again.

Aidan's sister came and I was taken for my second cat scan which wasn't quite as scary because I was given a tablet to relax and put a cloth over my eyes. This was a newer machine and it sounded similar to an aeroplane so I imagined that I was sitting on a plane ready to take off and soon it was over. We had some family time when I got back and eventually everyone left and we spent some more time with the twins before falling asleep with the help of some tablets.

Best sleep I have had in a long time as I only woke up in the morning!! 

So today we have seen a lot of people that have been with us through our medical journey including our midwives from Harry's pregnancy, nurses, midwives from PAC, Drs, peads and received some lovely flowers as well as so many lovely messages on facebook. 

My blood cultures came back which showed lots of bugs in my blood which explains the infections but we will need to wait 6 weeks for all the others tests they did. 

Today we also said our goodbyes to our wee girls. We dressed them in two new matching outfits as we wanted to keep the ones they were in, and had Harry say goodbye too before they were taken away :(

We have cried many tears today and I can't even explain how we feel seeing them go. 

I'm not sure what else to write today apart from I seem to have healed nice and fast and we may go home soon but not until we have seen the grief councillor and made sure we are stable enough to handle going home to our house.

My mum arrives soon and it will be amazing to see her finally. 

I will update how we get on as our journey through grief and healing continues.

Kia kaha to all my readers and a huge thank you to all the amazing staff of the Royal Hobart Hospital for being so amazing, supportive, sensitive and going out of their way to help us in any way possible!!

And please if anyone wants to see our beautiful girls don't hesitate to ask for a photo. I won't post one here as it is very confronting.

Xx T&T

The hardest decision you will ever make

20th October 2013

I have avoided updating this week mainly because I'm not sure what to say....

We had our Wednesday appointment with the obstetrician as well as the paediatrician (which was rather amusing). They had strong opinions although seemed to be on a similar track in regards to our care before and after the babies are born which is good. We found out later that the cockiness and strong opinions were just because we suspect they are actually a married couple.

One downside to not having a midwife is that we get told a lot of the same information over and over again as each Dr isn't aware what has already been said. 

One thing that was very clear was that we had to decide that if the babies were born between that day and the following Wednesday, would we resuscitate?

Although at this very early stage (only 23 weeks) and due to twins and the high risks to twin b this may have been not such a hard decision (although heart wrenching) I fear that as we get further along and if baby b doesn't progress as we have hoped that this decision will become harder and harder.

No parent should have to decided if their child lives or not, the fact is, a lot of parents face this decision at some point. It's not fair and its not easy especially when you don't know the future..... What if they HAD survived? What if prolonging their existence would be later regretted? 

Without knowledge how our babies are REALLY doing, even with a scan they can't tell us a lot of things until they are born and resuscitation is executed, the most unfair decision is left up to the parents....

We have another scan tomorrow so hopefully some more good news...

Xx B&S 

It's been a while.

15th October 2013

**Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, so to all you strong mummas out there I send my love to you, your partners and your children as well as to all the wee angels taken far too soon **

I haven't updated in a while and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because I have spent more time updating my facebook status? There is something about putting personal things in your status that makes you think, will me status be appreciated? Will anyone care? Will it offend someone? Who really knows!

I recently read a post on a forum that stated some viewers of this persons posts were upset by and not appreciative of this woman posting pictures of her angel baby after it was stillborn. I myself don't understand what all the fuss is about but once again I am left wondering, if something like that bothers people and people that are supposedly your friends (they are on your friends list) then what other things might offend....

Back to updating you all, we had a PAC appointment on Saturday to get blood taken and vitals checked which took about 3 hours by the time the Dr was available to check me over and dismiss us but they were concerned about my Pap smear taken when I was admitted for bleeding as it showed Infection but my bloods did not. It turns out that the antibiotics I was on should kill it so I was sent home. Will get a recheck tomorrow at our HRC appointment tomorrow. 

Other than that I have had a wee bit of rest and have been very tired, I had a hard day yesterday as our boy was sick and very needy and wouldn't sleep so I was left with him and ended up with a wee bit of blood loss and pains which righted themselves by evening. Today though I had a great day as the boys went up north to find a backpack carrier for Harry so I took the time to sit down but also get a few things done. One of which was work on the crochet blanket further which I have almost run out of wool for!

One thing I did for myself today which I found rather therapeutic and uplifting was to paint my nails! Broadway pink with pink glitter on top :) it's so good o do a little something for yourself when you have the chance.

I think that's all for tonight so will see how tomorrow goes!

Xx B&S 

Good news!!! But will it last??....

11th October 2013

Wow!! Our scan yesterday was not what we were expecting!!!

Both babies have grown and are looking great! The dr even came in because he didn't believe the abdominal measurement that the sonographer took! He took a look himself and exclaimed that it was a great measurement! 

There was fluid in her stomach which means there is enough to swallow, she is swallowing therefore also inhaling!!!! Good girl baby B!!!

Baby A measured 21weeks 6days and baby B 20weeks 4days :) bit happy with that!!

Bed rest must have been helping as there was a tiny bit of fluid around her abdomen, not much but more than none!

Once home I had to look after Harry which was rather difficult as I can't lift him. I had to get up and down many times which caused a lot of fluid loss. So today I put myself on home bed rest and so far loss has been minimal. Our theory is that the more fluid that isn't squeezed out of the sac the more she will have to breath :) 

Baby A yawning :)

Baby B profile :)

Rather difficult road ahead but we are determined to keep them both cooking as long as we can :)

Xx B&S  

Home at last!!

9th October 2013

HOME!!!!!!

I can't believe this day has finally come, for a while there it seemed as if there was no end in sight.

I had a visit from the Dr who asked me what our ideas and understanding were about delivering early and resuscitation to which I told him what we knew so far. He proceeded to explain that delivery early is highly likely and that because of our breech twin it will be a cesarian but also because one twin is transverse, the incision would have to be vertical which would affect any future pregnancy as the abdominal wall may rupture. 

We are also told that the hospital would happily resuscitate a baby at 23 weeks although that decision would be left up to us. 

Anyway, I got my bloods from yesterday checked and white cell count had gone from 8 to 9 which could mean an impending infection. The Dr asked if I would like a break from bloods today to which I replied "what will get me home sooner?" He laughed and left. An hour later a midwife came in to take my blood :P I guess that was the Drs answer ha ha

They were taken and I awaited the prognosis. Meanwhile my new roommate went down for a ciggy and took her noisy family with her and I had a rest.

When the Dr came back he said that all looked good and I was free to leave!!!!!! Provided I came back on Saturday for more bloods and kept my appointment on Wednesday :D I literally jumped out of bed and started packing!!!!!

We have a scan tomorrow morning which we will see how much the babies are weighing and check on fluid, placenta and blood pooling :)

Glad to be home now although because I was resting for 4 days I was exhausted just walking to the car!

Will update about our scan tomorrow.

Xx B&S

Loneliness and feeling "Stuck"

9th October 2013

So my roommate left last night and although it's nice having a room to yourself there comes a point at around 7pm where you just feel lonely.....

I watched a movie, we'll started one, and tried to keep my mind off things. I managed about an hour before I decided it would be less lonely if I went to sleep.

This morning I woke up early enough that should a midwife come in with all the energy of someone about to go home I would be ready...alas this did not happen till 7:30am.

I had a fair amount of loss last night and brighter pink loss when I checked first thing. This is not a good thing.....

Had a few pains this morning which according to one dr isnt good.

Looking forward to breakfast and rounds should start shortly.....woo it just arrived!

Will update after I stuff my face and rounds are over :)

Xx B&S

So guess what!!!!! The Dr's are going to review my bloods and possibly let me go home today or tomorrow!!!!

Also, breakfast was brill as usual.

I have a new roommate too. She is older than me, has two other children is heavily pregnant and is apparently dying because she needs a cigarette...... she is heading off for one soon......

Anyways some good news for this morning at least :)

Xx B&S